Lessons Learned

So this is going to be another one of those posts about me...

Over the last 10 years of my life, I would say emotionally, I have been on an EXTREME roller coaster. Things got super bad the end of 2008 and luckily I found my saving grace, ECT (shock treatment). The first parts of 2009 (and to be honest, about 2008 and lots of 2006-07) are completely gone from my memory. They only exist in pictures. And sometimes I think Steve just made those pictures up so that I would feel even dummer (ok, more dumb) for not having a clue what he was showing me. Anyway, through all of that I learned the importance of taking care of myself. (The first few months of 2009 I did not understand the necessity of showering... ever... I was definitely the stinky girl lol) About Christmas time 2010 I started feeling more like myself again and was ready to really figure out "Who am I minus the depression," then found out I was pregnant. While you're pregnant, you feel like a completely different person, so "me" was put on hold. Then I had a wonderful baby in 2011, and moved across the country 3 weeks later. There was definitely not time to be "me" then either. After not sleeping for 8 months, buying a house and fixing all the yucks, I think that it is finally time. (No applause necessary)

I have started dredging up those issues that I was just not able to deal with in the years past and with my great thrpst. we have been slowly working through them. And wow. Let me just tell you how unprepared I was! It's not a surprise that I am terrified of suddenly waking up and being crazy depressed again. And I completely understand that I'm not just going to suddenly be that deep, so watching for the little signs is important. Does my brain have that "fuzz," am I withdrawing, am I anxious? Well, little 'ol me didn't really think that so much stress would be, awakened in me while trying to deal with these issues. I was definitely not taking care of myself and my stress load. So I started to panic that I was suddenly going crazy again. When you're already stressed and then freak out that you are going to lose you mind, it's not really a good combination.

I am still trying to understand that being upset, sad, even a little depressed is normal for people. It's impossible to be happy all the time. It's just so scary for me to try and understand and feel these normal emotions because they were so extreme for so long. So I want you to know that I am trying. I am trying to get over my fears of reaching out and trusting people. I have HUGE abandonment issues that I need to deal with. I want you all to know that I love you and I miss you all constantly. I stare at my phone and know that I need to reach out, it just scares me. From now I am going to try. It will be little at first, but I need to start trusting people. I need to allow people to be close to me again. I am a work in progress. I like where I'm going, and I know that one day I'll get there.